There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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