im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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