Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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