we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
