im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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