people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
