apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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