So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
