i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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