"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
