I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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