I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
