im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
