the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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