I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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