the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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