Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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