shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
