I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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