New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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