Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
