i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
