My sheets look like a crime scene.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
