Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
