I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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