I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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