Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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