They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
