If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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