Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
