i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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