I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize