sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize