he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
