I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
