i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
