3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
