If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
