she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize