You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
