yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
