Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
