so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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