I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
