is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
