i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
