I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
