You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The air was thick with penises
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
