my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
