I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
