You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
