I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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