everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
