the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
