are you still at the devil's house?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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