I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She told me I should be a condom model.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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