I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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