I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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