I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
