new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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