it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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