sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
